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11. EXT. FONTANILLA RESIDENCE – SWIMMING POOL – THE FOLLOWING DAY
Asistio is seated on the edge of the pool, the massive girth of his lower legs submerged in the water, like the thick roots of some bizarre tree, feeding from the Olympic-sized pool’s sun-dazzled water.
He is clad in a robe easily the size of a tent, the width of its back broad enough to contain with no danger of crowding, of any one encroaching on the other’s personal space, an expertly-airbrushed image of Asistio’s personal triune, Ate Shawi, Ate Vi, and Ate Guy: Norns, Fates, Graces, Moerae, Horae, Parcae: all things to everyone, so many names, so many characters, in their long and fruitful careers.
Asistio is here, poolside, since he is entertaining: his guest is one IRVINE KELMAN, another star (though never as big any of Asistio’s celluloid Trinity) on the showbiz scene.[1]
Irvine, half-kelpie,[2] sprawls on a kiddie salbabida, paddling webbed feet, sipping from a gargantuan mug of Guinness.
“Sholagang imbeyz ang Showbiz Today, sistraks. Wastrung masaycheverz na makakarirang shannel number 5! Parachi na lang gosts with the long vlack hurr at mga sira-sirang veldang cecilio. Wit nang mga malay-valay na jaunted! Wit nang mga moonstruck!!”[3]
Asistio looks over the tips of his John Lennon sunglasses at Irvine.
“It’s a trend, dear. It’ll pass.”
“Kaka-inez veneracion! Day, tatluzho-on nang nakasholpaz ang Pirana X! Gina ka Julie kez na rakedzh yung Nginiiig!”[4]
“So then there’s always television, Irv.”
“Ay, shokich sa Head and Shoulders! Kakavovelka yan! Mega-sipsep sa dyutaks na farang vamfira fresley, tulad ng pagsipsep sa electric. Volvelka volksvagen ang televu, sistraks. At least, may chartreuse max factor ang felikulat plantsa.”[5]
“Well,” Asistio says, “all due respect, but I truly believe TV isn’t inherently a bad medium.
“It’s like film. It’s only as worthless as the story being told. Television can impart truth just as well as film can. There’s some rather fine material on television these days.”
“Anech, Starburst? Panay Island na wangga talent ang mga dyumo-join dyuon, farang mga monkey Anabelle na waiting to exhale sa saging. How many monkeys do you see?? Vote niyo akezz kundi throw kez sa fez nyo ang evaklers ko! Hay, day, wit na!”[6]
“Some of the teleseryes are actually attempting to break ground, Irvine.”
The half-kelpie’s horse-frog features split into a look of amphibian pleasure, and he makes a strange, bubbly neighing sound.
“Ay, ang Lilith Montemayor. Iteng girlavu na filitch makakangkangerts ang vovelkang nakakapang menchung Habagat. Puder meld iteng girlavu, deva?”[7]
To which Asistio smiles, nods.
Irvine flashes his piranha teeth (from whence his film persona’s name was so creatively derived). “Felastra na kelds na twin-billing kamez, sey? Pirana 11: Spawn of Pirana! Sa Bora ang shutams niteld. Mega-lanterds ng menchu ang mga maselia Rodriguez niya vaguku siyang i-slice na farang fish fillet sa endyung ng act one. Naturalmentos shaklulu ever ang owdyens here there and everywhere! Siyempre assumptionista silang vilib na zhungkol kay Habagat at Lilith ang falabas towards the exit, vadth no!! Zhungkol iteld sa amin ni Lilith, at ang aming magiging dyonakers. Bongga, deva?”[8]
Asistio smiles. “As much as the thought of seeing little Piranas terrorizing yet another cast of young, screaming, photogenic cannon fodder is enticing, I really don’t think you’d like to act opposite Lilith, Irv.”
“At vakedzh?”[9]
Asistio crooks a finger and motions for Irvine to come closer. The half-kelpie abandons the salbabida and swims, holding the mug of Guinness aloft, above water, while his back legs propel him, exactly like a frog’s, towards Asistio.
At the edge of the pool, Irvine’s head emerges, and as he takes another sip of Guinness, Asistio leans down, closer to the half-kelpie, smelling the beery reek of him, and proceeds to tell him, in hushed, whispered tones, exactly why acting opposite Lilith Montemayor might not be the smartest thing to do for his career.
Or his health.
----- * 0 * -----
1 Irvine was first discovered by Peque Gallaga, and starred in a Shake, Rattle and Roll segment, before beginning a long-term collaborative relationship with Asistio. [back]
2 A kelpie (or an each-uisg) is an amphibian creature originally from Scotland.
Its form is that of a handsome horse, black or brown, or golden yellow (depending on the coast from whence it originates), whose skin is like glue. It entices humans to ride on its back, and once there, stuck fast, the kelpie gallops off and plunges into the nearest river, drowning the poor gullible sod whose arse is Elmered to its back.
The kelpie from the west coast of Scotland (the black or brown kind) is also a shape-shifter, and on occasion, takes the form of a handsome young man to woo unsuspecting maidens. Thus, the half-kelpie.
The half-kelpie though, ends up being a short (2’ to 3’ tall) creature, whose head combines the least aesthetic qualities of the horse and the frog, has non-stick (though cold and clammy) skin, webbed hands, and legs that are pure frog.
And, much to its dismay, it cannot shape-shift.
And, much to Irvine’s dismay, though he has been the star of at least 10 feature films, the theatre-going audience still believes he is an astoundingly realistic piece of animatronics constructed with the help of the Henson Creature Shop. [back]
3 When Asistio met Irvine many years ago, leading to their first collaboration, Pirana-- which led to Pirana 2: Flying Killer through to Pirana X (where Pirana mutated into a gigantic version of himself)-- Asistio was enamored of his nearly incomprehensible Scottish accent, due to Asistio’s being the biggest Ewan McGregor fan in Asia (he even has the Emmy-nominated performance on E.R. on VHS, and actually enjoys the Prequel Trilogy, if only because he imagines, quite graphically, Obi-Wan swinging a rather different kind of light saber).
Listening to Irvine, Asistio could quite easily imagine himself to be some down-and-out heroin junkie running down Edinburgh streets to the sounds of Iggy Pop, alongside his beloved Ewan. (Oh, to have been Christian Bale in Velvet Goldmine!)
Soon though, it became patently obvious that Asistio could not understand 99.9% of Irvine’s words, so he surreptitiously cast a translation spell on Irvine, such that, though the half-kelpie still spoke with the heavy accent, to Asistio’s ears, it was in words he could easily comprehend.
Translated (in plain, non-accented English), what Irvine just said was: “The film industry is terrible, Sis. Jobs are difficult to come by. All the public seems to be interested in are ghosts with long hair and decrepit apartment buildings. No more haunted houses! No more monsters!” [back]
4 “But what to do for now? Pirana X was released three years ago! My last acting job was an episode for Nginiiig!” [back]
5 “Whirlygigs! Television does nothing to improve the mind! It is a metaphorical vampire. Like an equally metaphorical vacuum cleaner, it sucks people of their vitality; as well as their money, to pay for the electric bills, and their time, and their intelligence, because everything is so terribly insipid. It eliminates the ability of the mind to engage in cogent thought, Sis. At least the medium of film has spectacle.” [back]
6 “You don’t seriously mean Starburst, do you? A show featuring a group of pickle-pumping oafs who may as well be the living dead due to their total lack of personalities, who have not a whit of talent, prancing around like trained monkeys waiting for treats? Vote for me through SMS or I shall fling my feces at you? No, thank you.” [back]
7 “Oooh, that lovely girl. Lilith Montemayor. The actress who appears with the fool in the cape. Habagat. She is one of your clients, is she not?” [back]
8 “I would dearly love to appear in a film with her. What is your opinion of that, Sis? It shall be entitled Pirana 11: Spawn of Pirana. We can shoot on location in Boracay. That incredibly-muscled actor on Habagat can display his pectoral, abdominal, as well as all his other, muscles, before I viciously eviscerate him at the end of the first act. That will certainly surprise the paying audience a great deal! They will believe the film is about he and Lilith, when it will really be about me and she and our wonderful little offspring. Is this not a brilliant idea?” [back]
9 “Why not, pray tell?” [back]
FADE TO BLACK.
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